Les blagues de la semaine du 11 février

Quotes
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?'" Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axl Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

(On going to war over religion) -- "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." Yassir Arrafat (PLO leader)

COPPING A PLEA
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

A Doctor's Rounds
- Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction:
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
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At the beginning of my shift I placed a sthethiscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. " Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
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I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This here is a one-seater!"
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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours andnow I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructionsinclude removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years --when my husband was alive.
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And of course, the best is saved for last...I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

From a Democrat to a Republican friend.

The election is over,
the results are now known.
The will of the court has clearly been shown.

Let's forget all our quarrels
and show by our deeds,
we will give Mr. Bush all the help that he needs.

Let's all get together
and let bitterness pass.
I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

THE BALLOONIST
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man,
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Ring any bells with anyone ??

A moral question for serious photographers:
This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. You're a photographer getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across George W. Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer:
Which lens would you use?

Happy Valentine !
An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c'est magnifique!!" and continued to watch remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief. He arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
"Albert...Albert, zere is zis man zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field, making love."
The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!!"
Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "
Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural."
Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this,
Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!" grabbed is black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station.
He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English."

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