FIRST
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. - George Burns

ELECTIONS
Actual news story, 1/11/2001: NEW YORK (Reuters) -
Unisys Corp., Microsoft Corp. and Dell Computer Corp. are teaming up to create new voting technology in the wake of the ballot-counting fiasco in the U.S. presidential election, Unisys said on Thursday. Blue Bell, Pa.-based Unisys said its system will replace outdated systems that produce irregularities such as those reported in Florida in the November election. The system will integrate election processes from voter registration to counting results, Unisys said.

Follow-up stories:
BLUE BELL, PA (November 12, 2002) - After being unable to recover the results of last week's congressional election, the Unisys Help Desk closed the ticket today with a recommendation to reboot the system and try the election again.

REDMOND, WA (October 25, 2004) - Microsoft announced today that because of production delays in Election '04, next month's presidential election has been pushed back to the 2nd Quarter of next year.

WASHINGTON (August 3, 2005) - President George W. Bush and former Vice President Al Gore conceded today's election at 8 pm after preliminary results showed them losing overwhelmingly. Final results, released immediately after polls closed in Hawaii, showed both the incumbent Republican and his Democratic challenger failed to garner 100 votes nationwide. Former Louisiana gubernatorial candidate David Duke finished in second place with 3,322 votes on the strength of strong returns from Palm Beach County, Florida. The winning ticket received 1,073,741,824 votes--all write-ins. "President-elect Gates and I are honored and humbled by this historic victory," said Vice President-elect Michael Dell in his acceptance speech.

QUICKIE

Bush and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans o ver to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?" She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off. Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced "QUICHE."

Warning: Important News To All Guys Who Go Out To Clubs Or Bars!
Men need to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a woman. There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sex predators at parties and bars to induce male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually everywhere! It goes by the street name, "beer." All women have to do is buy a "beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such a strong drug and tactic. Please forward this to everyone you know immediately!

Actual comments from US travel agents......
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she assked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "GOOD" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's" .....but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.....look at it and really see it ... live it ... and never give it back.
In honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.

IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He's mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off..
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.